I have a great movie script idea. A successful man who’s in a happy relationship with a good-looking woman abandons his lucrative university career (and said woman) and becomes a fugitive from justice with a 40-to-45 year old, fairly ordinary-looking woman who turns into a 10’ green monster when she gets mad. Her worst habit when she has an “episode” is throwing Humvees into helicopters. Which is kinda messy.

The fugitive lovers stay in crappy hotels and he gives her haircuts, because she can’t have sex, lest she morph into the monster. This is because he needs to take care of her and help her out. Plus he Still Loves Her, Deep Down Inside. They are old flames. In her monster-state she once hurt him so badly he nearly didn’t recover, then abandoned him for years and years.

We're eight years into the 21st century. I was going to wait until advanced old age to compare this century with the 20th century, thus annoying the bejeebbers out of my poor grandkids, but I have some free time this afternoon, and I'm not the most patient woman in the world. In this new millennium we have made several great advances--several laudable improvements in the human condition--but darned if I could think of one. Let's start off with the big changes; the really salient and vexing issues.

In the New Millennium, we have fewer crackers in a box. Last century, to save on packaging, there were boxes full of crackers. I'm old enough to remember these. I swear to God: you opened the box and reached about half an inch down and took hold of a cracker. Now, to save on crackers, and to fool consumers and fill landfills quicker, a box a foot tall might contain 15 crackers. Soon it will contain 6 1/2 crackers, and we will be expected to believe that this is due to "product settling during shipment." Price: $4.99 plus tax.

Considering online dating?  Maybe you know somebody who found love on an internet dating site, and are ready to try your luck.  There are gobs and gobs of these sites. Some are free, like Yahoo! Personals and plentyoffish.com, and some cost money, like eharmony.com. 

But before you take the plunge and try out online dating, you need to learn the lingo, so here is the world's first ever Online Dating Dictionary.  The actual terms people use in their profiles are listed with their real meanings. Sometimes a word's meaning in an online profile differs, depending on gender of the person posting the profile, so, where this is the case, (m) is male; (f) is female.

You saw her in the movie Legally Blonde, right? The manicurist with the crush on the UPS man. Millions of American women can relate: we have a secret, shameful, UPS man fetish. Now, granted, none of us have ever had a UPS man that looked like that one in Legally Blonde. But even though UPS men on film are exaggerated in the looks department, is there any class of male in the whole world with more allure than the brown-Bermuda-shorted, brown-socked, occasionally hatted, UPS delivery man? My heart begins to pound whenever I see that brown truck coming up the driveway, being driven by him. And I pity European women who have no UPS men.